Inglorious fool....

Friday, March 29, 2013

The Chronicles Of Barnia!!

Statutory Warning:

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The subject in the piece of literature below bears no resemblance to any living person; any resemblance is a possible co-incidence. If you are a girl and you have me on your facebook list it’s quite possible that you might creep out after reading the whole post, un-friend me and get all judgmental about me, which is completely understandable. To my defense I would say I was playing the part. Hoping you have the sense of humor to take it all in zest, if not, I leave the choice to your empowered mouse click!
This one’s for the Bro’s !

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Dear Barney,

I am a big fan of you. While I do think that 'The Bro Code' is one of the most important piece of literature of the 21 st century for all the bros, it’s missing a critical Article on the use of social media. So for the sake of all the Bro’s out there, could you live it up for us?

-A Desperate Bro!

Desperate Bro,

This is a great question that seems to always comes up at one of my seminars. The Bro Code’s origins weave all the way back to dawn of humanity and over the years awesome Bros have amended and added awesomer rules. As the sole protector of the Bro Code, there lies a huge responsibility to keep the Bro code relevant in the ever changing times.

Hence, for the 69^th amendment of the Bro Code I have appointed reputed B-school interns (who by the way think are working for GNB) on the project entitled : “Understanding & Assessing the Mating Maturity Level of Females Based on Their Social Media Behavioral Patterns”. As douchebaggish and un-legend-a-rrry it sounds, the project shall give all the Bro’s a chance to be awesome and help them find the right jugs *winkie wink* . But you know who’s more awesome than the most awesome person on the earth. That’s right!! You can thank me when you strike gold. Time for the all set to get laid Hi-Five!

This questionnaire is strictly for the Zuckerberg slaves. (does anything else exist anyway?)

Click on her Profile Picture:

· Is the profile picture?

Female celebrity: -50 Flowers: 0 Her Picture: 25
Male Celebrity: 100 Barney Stinson: 250

· Is the profile picture open for all?

No: 0 Yes: 100

· How many profile pictures does she have?

0-10: 0 11-50: 50 51-100: 100

· The average likes she has on her dp?

0-10: 0 11-50: 50 51-100: 100 >100: 250

· How many display pics are self shot? (through the laptop webcam or worse..from full length mirrors)

None: 0 Less than half: 50 More than Half: 100

She gives an Angelina Joliesh pout in the pics shot by her pink cased I-phone: 250

Read the comments on the profile picture:

· Does she refer to her male friends as “Dear” and female friends as “Baby” in the comments?

No: 0 Yes: 100

Calls male friends “Baby” and female one’s as “Dear”: 250

· Does she thank each and everyone who likes her pic?

No: 0 A collective "Thank you all" comment: 100

She tags and thanks the person each of them who liked the pic: 250

Cover Pics:

· Whats the count of Cover pics?

< 5: 0 5-25: 50 25-50:100 >50: 250

· Are the cover pic and profile pic same?

No: 0 Yes: 100

· Does she have intellectual\witty\sarcastic quotes as her cover pics?

Yes: 0 No:100

She has random pictures on quotes about loneliness/love/heartbreak/cute animals: 250

Profile:

· Does she have the “about me” section filled up?

No: 0 Yes: 100

She has it filled with SMS lingo and concludes it with “ull hv to b my frnd to knw mr abt me” : 250

· How many pages does she like?

<50:0 50-100:100="" nbsp="" o:p="">

If she has pages like “Just because i dont talk to you anymore, doesnt mean that i dont l0ve you.”, “Please don't come one more time infront of me or I 'll Love u again” or “I Hate Loneliness But It Love ME More” (You get the drift right!) :250

Other Social Media:

· What other social media platforms she’s active on?

Orkut: Yes: -50 No:0

LinkedIn: Yes:0 No:50

Twitter: No:0 Yes:50

Now that you have calculated the scores:

> 2300 : This should be your girl. Until and unless she has a boyfriend or father serving in a military do not leave the opportunity of dating her. She might just be your “ Silver lining Playgirl” , the one you were always looking for!

2299-1500: That’s what I call the grey area. You can probably convert these one’s if you give it your best “shot” or you could go to your nearest specialized surgeon who could fix you up.

< 1500: Dude, this one’s a let go. I don’t see an opportunity for you here, that is unless if you have a pet woodpecker who stays with you in your bang-pad and feeds on your toosh-toosh!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Just another page from a diary...

30^th December 2013

It was one of those spanner like thing which they use to tighten the nuts of tires of a heavy vehicle, conveniently “T” shaped rod whose distinctive shape was used to perfection to accomplish a ghastly ordeal, giving the phrase “fit someone to a T” a disgustingly new meaning. It was a lethal blow right on the center of my head, all I remember was the bone crushing pain it induced. Then it was a buzz, a disgustingly irritating buzz like that of an ambulance or a police jeep siren, little did I know that these two vehicles will play an important role in the coming years of my life filled with repentance. How I wish I had never survived the appalling torment.

The ruthless, cold- blooded bastards would have never contemplated that the very rod with which they were parading their supremacy would come to haunt them for the rest of their ill deserved life. It was a rod which shook the country, it was a blow which stirred the conscience of every citizen of our “independent democracy” and above all it was a night which acted as a spark in igniting a war which the fairer sex fought for their emancipation against an apathetic administration.

Sadly, it needed a sacrifice - a gruesome, merciless sacrifice which deprived the parents of their loving daughter, the little young brothers of their protective sister, and for me a friend who thought me how to smile in spite of the innumerable odds she was pitted against, a friend who became the darling of the entire nation, a friend whose fighting spirit and resilience hence forth shall be an exemplary influence whom the whole of female kind shall look up to.

A year went by but the agony still haunts me to date, it left me with all kind of strange paranoia. Today, I had to take the same dreaded fly over and I was in a bus. Instantly there was a sense of déjà vu. I felt uneasy, in spite of the chilling Delhi cold, my palms started to sweat, my heart started beating faster, I felt I couldn't breathe, as though someone just shoved in something inside my wind pipe (another phobia of mine). Panic struck me like a bolt of lightning, I was this close to shrieking my guts out, I wanted to ask the bus driver to stop; I just wanted to get out of the damned bus. It was then that I heard the voice:

"Don't budge...Face your fears. You can do this for me"

I recognized the voice; it was a voice which could stir a thousand emotions in me. If the warmth in her voice stirred up my affection, the wailing agony of her voice stirred all the pent up rage and remorse left inside me, sadly...that’s how I last heard her!!

'Move on' she tells me, but how? I cant concentrate on my work, I am lost and dazed half of the times, Innumerable visits to the shrink(he was the one who wanted me to write a diary) but I still quiver at the thought of taking a girl out; I still get nightmares about the incident and have spent sleepless nights having a dialogue with my conscience. Could I have saved her? Could I have done something different to overpower those goons for whose inhuman deeds can’t be described in a word because it’s yet to be coined? Could she still have been alive fighting for her rights, if it weren't for me? My life right now is surrounded by all the repentance; I wish I had answers for the questions thrown at me by my resentful conscience. Wish someone could see the other side of all this, it wasn't one but two lives that they have destroyed that day. While you my friend, the more resilient of us, have settled down among the angels, I am stuck here with the devils who shall continue to haunt me, but I shan't let you down.

Wish I could move on….

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Revenge is a dish best served when cold...

Three in the night, it was completely silent except for the wailing sound of an old hostel fan. The moon was on an off today, probably because it had to attend her boyfriends “post break up” party. It seems like the whole world had gathered to celebrate an END. She felt light, all for the wrong reasons; it took her back to her childhood days when usually due to her frail personality she always ended up being thrown up in the air by her see-saw partner; Even god made her weak. She felt the same today, the whole world on one side of the see saw and there she was on the other side - teary eyed and shaken by her misery.

Is this how light feels?

Those very eyes of hers which according to him spoke a thousand words were now damp and puffy due to constant stream of tears, now stood staring at her laptop screen with her facebook page open. The words on the screen seemed to be fuzzy, moving up and down as though they have a life of their own due to her moist eyes; They too probably are laughing their hearts out. She has been reading the same words since morning - a proclamation of her boyfriend’s happiness on facebook, ending their five year old relationship that was once so beautiful for both of them.

How she hated Mark Zuckerberg now!! After all…didn’t he create this draconian devil of an idea to woo back his lady love after a breakup, and look what it does now, it allowed immature nitwits like her boyfriend to become pseudo conquerors of the world by providing them their own wonderland where they are the King/Queen and to this throw in their pity minions(read:friends) who never lose out on an opportunity to seek voyeuristic pleasure out of two folks in conflict.

“How could it go wrong then? What made him hate me so much that he had to “wash his dirty ~~laundry~~ linen in public”? Where did all the love and respect go? Was it because he was in love with some one else? Did he find some one who unlike me proclaimed to the world that I loved him? Did he find someone who was full of spine???"

It was a barrage of questions flooding her mind right now. As though the hazy vision wasn’t enough; it was now being supplemented by her bleary cloud of thoughts. Nothing is clear. How she wished to evade all her sufferings. How she wished to…she wished to..wished to…yeah…END HER LIFE!!

“This is the only way I can slap his face with a cruel realisation, the only way he shall understand my value…the only way I redeem my conscience- Revenge is a dish best served when cold”

She looked around for things that could kill her - blade, sleeping pills, flammable material…anything!

“How about the induction pan in the hostel pantry...can I burn myself sitting on top of it?”

“Seriously!! What are you thinking?? “

“How about jumping from the top of the hostel block? “

“No...jumping from a three storied building will only result in a few broken bones and far worse………a broken pride!”

“Then…What do I do…??!!”

That’s when a sound distracted her, the squeal of the fan and then...it struck her!! She never knew her feeble body would give her an extra option on her “means to death” list.

“She was feeling light…”

She felt her heart pounding, muscles aching, lungs struggling to breathe, a buzz in her ear. It seemed like the end. Then, a thought struck her –

“I should have played my favourite song for one last time”.

As she felt eyes closing for one last time, never to be opened again, she stared blankly at the facebook page trying to get a glimpse of those dreadful words which caused all this:

“Feeling super cool today. Dumped my new ex-girlfriend. Happy independence day."

She felt her eyes giving up…how she wished these were not the last words she read……..

PS: Story inspired by this news article which kept hitting me again and again and of course fuelled by a recent personally experienced similar outburst in social media.

May the departed soul rest in peace.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Evolution Of Love III - The Unfinished Business..

July 22nd 2012 :

"Well when in the first part of this “Trilogy”, I did mention something about buying time, seems like I was too rich to buy too much of it. So here I am after a good couple of months to come back and finally be done with the pompous piece. It’s strange when it comes to writing, you are so comfortable writing about things around, but the minute you have to start writing about some thing which is really close to your heart, you suddenly seem lost for words, your thought process is jammed and refuse to budge like a cow in the middle of the road. You tell yourself to take it easy, it’s not like it’s an assignment to be completed. Simultaneously you are questioning your mind – ‘Why do you cease to stop when it matters?? ‘- Something similar to what Rahul Bose experienced in that cool movie “Pyaar ke Side Effects” when Sophie (phhewww!!) calls him for “coffee” to her place. Well the only difference being he had a different organ of the human body that was not “rising up” to the occasion. Well without dwelling much into my dilemma of writing and putting up this one, I think the 2-3 readers of this blog are sold on my excuses for publishing this late."

Aug 23rd 2012 :

"So, the mature love story, where apparently both the parties are mature about the whole feeling called love at the same time constantly being judged by their baggage of the past. As in the movie Before Sunset Celine puts it wonderfully - “Memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past”. In this stage of evolution, men (I can vouch only for them) are in a relationship primarily because, they have never been in a relationship before or they think that in spite of all the short comings the current girl has, he’s ready to accept her because by then probably his self confidence is shattered and is constantly questioning his ability of getting a “better” girl than he’s currently with, and of course there’s the peer pressure to settle down. All this combine to form a good enough reason to give you your first “You can make a movie out of my life” thought, if its for the good reasons then you are sorted and lucky. If it’s for the bad reasons, then you still have lots in store my friend. In spite of all these “mind f**k” moments there are so many good reasons to be in love with that person whom you are eventually looking to settle down with. The.........."

10th Sept 2012 :

"The................................................................................................................."

22nd Sept 2012 :

Meanwhile:

The Devil Inside You : Ha ha...You just can't write the epic climax...can you? What is it...Writers block..? Boredom? or...let me guess....just plain running away from writing something very close to your heart..of which you cant make fun of with your so called "sarcastic" wit!!

Me : Comeon! I am just bored of the same old template and concept...The usual boring couple of intro paragraphs, then the cheesy, mushy paragraph where the female audience will go "awwwwww" on and the male kind goes "Ee...bahut lamba phekta hei re...yeh!" and then the corny low resolution youtube videos and at last this "let me get inside my brains section" shit where we are right now!!!

The Devil Inside You : Such a coward you are, running away from things faster than Usain Bolt on dope! You just cant face it..do you??! Isnt that the truth......?

Me : I wonder how people work out of the same template...day in and day out for rest of once creative life...Madhur Bhandarkar...Respect!! Your patience level "figuratively" is as huge as Kim Kadarshians posterior man...!! (Eh..comeon..That's hugeeee...huh!)

The Devil Inside You : Sucker.....

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Was Batman...Inceptioned??

Hello all…It’s been a crazy month, trying hard to complete the third and final part of the trilogy, but I am just not able to do so. Probably, this part is so close to my heart that there are umpteen thoughts in my head, but nothing coming on to the paper. So I decided to take a break, yeah… just like Nolan does in between his Batman movies to give few other gems(The Prestige, Inception). I thought, why not write about my favourite director himself- an ode to him in my own way. A tribute to the parallel world he created in all his fan’s mind- The Nolan’s Universe. So this story might (naa..it will) sound preposterous to you, but that’s been my exact intention in writing this piece. I know I am being ambitious, but for once, I wanted to get inside Nolan’s intricate brain and wanted to think like him. It all began when I read this particular blog, which ponders about a possibility of a fictitious situation where two of my favourite movies(Inception and Batman Series) are in fact related to each other through a common thread(star cast). Then it pushed me into thinking, if it were true, how would the story be? So…Here we go..!!

Alfred , the dutiful servant, epitome of loyalty, he was the driving force behind batman and he completed the Batman. Since he brought up Bruce Wayne, he was the only one whom Batman trusted on blindly….But...Hold on a second!! Wait…Is he really ??!

My crazy, bored “beautiful” mind thinks he is not!! Well…Alfred to me was like this cunning uncle of those 80’s-90’s heroine with great inheritance and property on her name left by her deceased parents who died (in a car crash of course!!). But the smart dady’s always put a clause in their will that the inheritance will be realised only when she turns 18. So the evil uncle of hers, treats her like a princess till she’s 18 and when she’s past that age, usually the knight in shining yellow pants and multicolour shirt reveals the wicked intentions of her uncle thereby kholofying the heroines aankhein. Ok….Now where the hell are we..??!! We were talking about Alfred being the evil guy…right? Why do you guys let me wander..Anyway coming back to the point!

Michael Caine(Alfred) as any Inception fan would know…is Leonardo’s (Cobb) guide/mentor/father(Miles) in Inception. He was the one who thought Cobb the tricks of the trade about how to manipulate and steal or incept ideas from/into the minds. So Inception was all Cobb’s show about how he does this impossible feat of implanting an idea as his final ticket to redemption and reunite with his family. But, Nolan being Nolan and in his universe what he did in his trilogy of Batman movies is showing an Inception of an idea on The Batman himself- and you very well know who’s capable of doing it??! Yep...!! The genius Alfred/Miles himself.

So what Alfred managed to do in this three part series is a strategic Inception of an idea in Bruce Wayne’s mind. You ask me what the idea is. “Making Bruce Wayne believe that Wayne Enterprises no longer needed him, so that he on his own foregoes it all to Alfred”. Smart eh! He made sure that in the first level of the dream, Bruce is made to believe that he’s above all the normal human beings and he had special powers, and hence had to safeguard the interests of this make belief city called Gotham (designed by Cobb....probably ;) ). By the end of the first movie, he is convinced that he had super powers (really?) by defeating an antagonist(Ra's-Al-Ghul) who trained him to overcome his fears but wanted to ruin his city. Wayne Enterprises is a thing of past for him, he is a full time protector of the city.

In the second part, then Alfred pits him against an antagonist who’s no match in terms of physical prowess and agility, but who can mentally tear his opponent to pieces by killing his self-confidence. This is where Batman starts doubting himself. The Joker made sure he destroyed Batman’s personal life by leaving him all alone with huge baggage of past regrets, by making sure his childhood love is no more and he is indirectly responsible for it. Hence, the strategic feeling of guilt being implanted in his mind, another master stroke from Alfred-the wicked man.

It was all one!!

The third part is where it all culminates in to reality, the lower most layer of the dream. This is where he’s pitted against an antagonist who is superiorly powerful than him in terms of physical and emotional strength. He made sure that Batman had to come out of his temporary exile, so that he could save his city one last time from the bad guy. Now, if we dwell deep in the Nolan universe, wee see that Bane (or Tom Hardy) is the forgerer or impersonator of avatar’s-Eames in Inception. So the theory, that he impersonated all the antagonist- Ras-Al-Ghul, Scarecrow, Twoface, The Joker himself and he chooses the last layer of dream to take his original form doesn’t sound all that ludicrous, does it? And to top it all there's Mal(Marion Cotillard) who reprises her role of playing around with the protagonists emotions, this time she was even successful to an extent with the batman. Now..Could it get any better than this eh?! In the end, the might Bane incepted the Batman making him realise that he’s no more worthy enough to either protect the city or run Wayne Enterprises, there by going into a self imposed exile and foregoing everything to his (so-called) trusted butler Alfred and finding a suitable substitute for himself. Take a bow Alfred, and Christopher Nolan, you can join him too!!

PS: Thanks to Nolan for repeating his star cast in a strategic way, there by buying me some credibility on this story. Wait…or is it all a grand scheme?!! Probably his next movie would answer it.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Evolution of Love II - College the "Cool-age"

Before I begin, I thank you all for those wonderful reactions and hits, apologies for the delays on the second part; I can be a lazy bum. Hoping you enjoy this as much as the first one. So here we go :)

There are so many bollywood movies who have made sure the subject of college love is done to death, they have tried every permutation combination, girl hates boy, boy loves girl; both hate each other; both love each other, but parents hate each others, but eventually they either die or get married. Hollywood as always is a notch ahead, they added a twist to the college romance, their latest experiment is putting an immortal vampire(Yeah!! the pale face, red lips, sparkle in the sun variety) in a college romance…and make a female with wooden expression fall in love with him...creative ehh!?

Anyway so now that you have successfully transitioned into the college life, one thing that acts on you big time is something called the peer pressure. If you were a nerd who got a 90+ in your 12th boards, things just might change in the college when you see your friend singing the “Summer of 69” and strumming the guitar alongside, or you see that actor friend of yours going overboard on that Shakespearian adaption, or that lanky guy with his basketball antiques. This is when you realise a part of your mind telling you its high time you did something apart from just studying.

But coming back to the point, if your persistence pays and you ultimately do manage to find love, then there starts a saga of- that one moment of eye contact where in a thousand emotions are passed on in that one second of eye contact; those artistically tweaked parody songs from friends whose lyrics so easily accommodate her name so that they can tease you whenever she’s passing by, making you wonder if the lyricist was actually thinking of your crushes name while writing it; getting that sms top up done so that you can be connected to the special someone with those endless messaging marathons; the bunking of the classes and going to movies with a group and then manipulating your position so that you can sit besides her; those last few pages of the notebooks and the tables in your class having only two names aesthetically written on them; making sure your wardrobe shrieks of only one colour-her favourite one; waiting for that lovely weather so that you can take her on that drive on that borrowed bike and the dinner date which follows in that expensive place whose waiter gives you those “you are not worth this place” looks when you place that meagre order of a starter and a cold drink for obvious reasons.

In this stage the innocence is lost; love is not the only driving factor to be in a relationship. Ego’s come into picture, it’s so easy to let go off. You realise that there are options in this world and you are always on the “explore” mode.

That’s college love…full of convenience and experiments which more than usual goes haywire. But there are a couple of them who do manage to find the love of their lives.

Ok the the song part,

This song was so refreshing and so apt for a college romance and I have fond memories of this. Probably because I was in college when it came out ;)

Meanwhile:

The Devil Inside you: Ahhh!! You two did have something going on there...Huh!! You should have heeded my advice...Once a friend always a friend!

Me: But doesn’t it always start with being friends? Doesn’t love need the understanding of a friend?

The Devil Inside Me:Ha ha..! You naive college passout. Girls are built differently. They wouldn't want you but still cant do without you.

Me: Then what do I do to make her realise?

The Devil Inside Me: Hmmm...lets play dirty, hang out with that hot girl. If she's green with envy, she will wonder why. There. That’s how she knows she loves you.

Me :Evil!!

PS: Thanking a sweet friend (who..btw was so desperate to contribute to my blog :P) for providing her experiences and inputs. You know who you are ;)

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Evolution Of Love - Part I ( The School Boy in Love)

I started writing this post a month ago during my vacation, but could never complete it. So please read it with a -“Man this guy was pretty bored while writing this post” attitude so that you can relate to it.

Since I am too lazy to write down the whole thing in one single post, ill split the posts into three parts so that you will enjoy it reading and I buy some time to write down the remaining parts. So this post officially shall be my first Trilogy(ahh!! Pompous me!!)

It’s been a boring couple of weeks with joblessness at its peak, there is this constant feeling that I am fighting off- that I am bound to do something better and bigger in my life than warming my cosy bed and couch (Ahhh..!!! “Couch potato” makes so much sense now). A life of a jobless guy with a job is a test on one’s endurance of boredom.

Amongst all this boredom, I thought I would catch up with some reading, and when you are bored you seriously don’t want to read the intellectual stuff, you are happy reading the cheesy, frothy, easy on your vocabulary kind of book- if I may put so “Chetan Bhagat”ish book. Thus I lay my hands on the “Nation’s Bestseller”- I Too Had A Love Story. This is surely one of those books which shall make every female kind go “Awwww..” followed by some tears and emotional outburst-with a common question both the reader and the protagonist in the novel ask almighty – “Why her of all people??!” But that’s life for us, time is the best healer and the show goes on-last known he released a sequel named- “Can Love Happen Twice”. (Uhh…Double Standards??! Any one??!)

What I liked about the novel was the innocence with which he captured the finer details of the feeling of being in love for the first time. Then a thought just struck me- the fact that love is so different in different stages of a man’s life. It ranges from a school-boy’ish puppy love which is filled with innocence and naivety at its best, to a mature love involving commitment and other extreme emotions. Since I can give you only the male perspective of the story, I try to put words to the “Evolution of Love” seen from a boy to a man’s perspective.

This is the stage when people discover the feeling of love, till then the only people you loved are your parents, siblings (not really), pets, toys and all other random stuff. All this till a certain age, when a certain chapter in the biology book is taught, behind all those sniggers and smirks, you realise that the world is a completely different place. Also, the greatest mystery in your life till that date is solved-you get a convincing answer to that innocent question little kids always asked their parents-“How did I come into this world?”

The crush of yours becomes an important aspect of your life, then there starts an unending saga of sharing of lunch boxes, asking your mum to cook that special item for lunch (yep…the one which she likes the most :D), parking your cycle besides hers, faking illness so that you can be absent and hence giving you a very valid reason of going to her place for “copying notes”, giving her the extra chocolate or the special chocolate on your birthday, making that visit to the “Archies Gallery” to buy her the ”Happy Birthday” card and going back home and dab generous amounts of your mum’s perfume making sure her room wouldn’t need a room freshener when the card is opened, picking up a fight with the school bully so that you are a man in front of her and the story of impressing a girl starts from this stage and till the further stages all man does is impress the fairer sex, some people have to put an effort and some… just learn the guitar! ;)

Such was the innocence and naivety, you didn’t know a word called expectation existed and so you never fought over trivial things. Then comes the transition phase where you are about to get to the college phase and you realise that puppy love is passé and a new colourful life is awaiting the other side of the school.

The song which first comes onto your mind is the evergreen Pehla Nasha song, but I love the remix version of it because so it so beautifully encapsulates the puppy love!

Pehla Nasha Remix

Meanwhile:

The Devil Inside You: That school love of yours…!! Is she joining the same college as yours??

Me: She is..

The Devil Inside You: She is..!!???? Ohhhhhh…so you got a love story going! So..now you are the committed guy who cant make a pass on the other good looking girls…Ahh!! Pity you boy!

Me:*Sigh*