Just another page from a diary...

30^th December 2013

It was one of those spanner like thing which they use to tighten the nuts of tires of a heavy vehicle, conveniently “T” shaped rod whose distinctive shape was used to perfection to accomplish a ghastly ordeal, giving the phrase “fit someone to a T” a disgustingly new meaning. It was a lethal blow right on the center of my head, all I remember was the bone crushing pain it induced. Then it was a buzz, a disgustingly irritating buzz like that of an ambulance or a police jeep siren, little did I know that these two vehicles will play an important role in the coming years of my life filled with repentance. How I wish I had never survived the appalling torment. 

The ruthless, cold- blooded bastards would have never contemplated that the very rod with which they were parading their supremacy would come to haunt them for the rest of their ill deserved life. It was a rod which shook the country, it was a blow which stirred the conscience of every citizen of our “independent democracy” and above all it was a night which acted as a spark in igniting a war which the fairer sex fought for their emancipation against an apathetic administration.

Sadly, it needed a sacrifice - a gruesome, merciless sacrifice which deprived the parents of their loving daughter, the little young brothers of their protective sister, and for me a friend who thought me how to smile in spite of the innumerable odds she was pitted against, a friend who became the darling of the entire nation, a friend whose fighting spirit and resilience hence forth shall be an exemplary influence whom the whole of female kind shall look up to.

A year went by but the agony still haunts me to date, it left me with all kind of strange paranoia. Today,  I had to take the same dreaded fly over and I was in a bus. Instantly there was a sense of déjà vu. I felt uneasy, in spite of the chilling Delhi cold, my palms started to sweat, my heart started beating faster, I felt I couldn't breathe, as though someone just shoved in something inside my wind pipe (another phobia of mine). Panic struck me like a bolt of lightning, I was this close to shrieking my guts out, I wanted to ask the bus driver to stop; I just wanted to get out of the damned bus. It was then that I heard the voice:

"Don't budge...Face your fears. You can do this for me"

I recognized the voice; it was a voice which could stir a thousand emotions in me. If the warmth in her voice stirred up my affection, the wailing agony of her voice stirred all the pent up rage and remorse left inside me, sadly...that’s how I last heard her!!

'Move on' she tells me, but how? I cant concentrate on my work, I am lost and dazed half of the times, Innumerable visits to the shrink(he was the one who wanted me to write a diary) but I still quiver at the thought of taking a girl out; I still get nightmares about the incident and have spent sleepless nights having a dialogue with my conscience. Could I have saved her? Could I have done something different to overpower those goons for whose inhuman deeds can’t be described in a word because it’s yet to be coined? Could she still have been alive fighting for her rights, if it weren't for me? My life right now is surrounded by all the repentance; I wish I had answers for the questions thrown at me by my resentful conscience. Wish someone could see the other side of all this, it wasn't one but two lives that they have destroyed that day. While you my friend, the more resilient of us, have settled down among the angels, I am stuck here with the devils who shall continue to haunt me, but I shan't let you down.

                                                        

                                                      Wish I could move on….