Friday, March 29, 2013

The Chronicles Of Barnia!!


Statutory Warning:
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The subject in the piece of literature below bears no resemblance to any living person; any resemblance is a possible co-incidence. If you are a girl and you have me on your facebook list it’s quite possible that you might creep out after reading the whole post, un-friend me and get all judgmental about me, which is completely understandable. To my defense I would say I was playing the part. Hoping you have the sense of humor to take it all in zest, if not, I leave the choice to your empowered mouse click!
This one’s for the Bro’s !
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Dear Barney,
I am a big fan of you. While I do think that 'The Bro Code' is one of the most important piece of literature of the 21 st century for all the bros, it’s missing a critical Article on the use of social media. So for the sake of all the Bro’s out there, could you live it up for us?
-A Desperate Bro!
Desperate Bro,
This is a great question that seems to always comes up at one of my seminars. The Bro Code’s origins weave all the way back to dawn of humanity and over the years awesome Bros have amended and added awesomer rules. As the sole protector of the Bro Code, there lies a huge responsibility to keep the Bro code relevant in the ever changing times. 
Hence, for the 69th amendment of the Bro Code I have appointed reputed B-school interns (who by the way think are working for GNB) on the project  entitled : “Understanding & Assessing the Mating Maturity Level of Females Based on Their Social Media Behavioral Patterns”. As douchebaggish and un-legend-a-rrry it sounds, the project shall give all the Bro’s a chance to be awesome and help them find the right jugs *winkie wink* . But you know who’s more awesome than the most awesome person on the earth. That’s right!! You can thank me when you strike gold. Time for the all set to get laid Hi-Five!
This questionnaire is strictly for the Zuckerberg slaves. (does anything else exist anyway?)
Click on her Profile Picture:
·          Is the profile picture?
Female celebrity: -50            Flowers: 0            Her Picture: 25         
Male Celebrity: 100              Barney Stinson: 250
·          Is the profile picture open for all?
No: 0            Yes: 100
·          How many profile pictures does she have?
0-10: 0             11-50: 50            51-100: 100     
·          The average likes she has on her dp?
0-10: 0             11-50: 50            51-100: 100            >100: 250
·          How many display pics are self shot? (through the laptop webcam or worse..from full length mirrors)
None: 0             Less than half: 50            More than Half: 100     
She gives an Angelina Joliesh pout in the pics shot by her pink cased I-phone: 250
Read the comments on the profile picture:
·          Does she refer to her male friends as “Dear” and female friends as “Baby” in the comments?
No: 0            Yes: 100   
Calls male friends “Baby” and female one’s as “Dear”: 250
·          Does she thank each and everyone who likes her pic?
No: 0             A collective "Thank you all" comment: 100
She tags and thanks the person each of them who liked the pic: 250
Cover Pics:
·          Whats the count of Cover pics?
< 5: 0            5-25: 50            25-50:100            >50: 250
·          Are the cover pic and profile pic same?
No: 0      Yes: 100
·         Does she have intellectual\witty\sarcastic quotes as her cover pics?
Yes: 0            No:100    
She has random pictures on quotes about loneliness/love/heartbreak/cute animals: 250
Profile:
·          Does she have the “about me” section filled up?
No: 0            Yes: 100
           She has it filled with SMS lingo and concludes it with “ull hv to b my frnd to knw mr abt me” : 250

·          How many pages does she like?
            <50:0 50-100:100="" nbsp="" o:p="">
Other Social Media:
·          What other social media platforms she’s active on?
Orkut:  Yes: -50                    No:0
LinkedIn:  Yes:0               No:50
Twitter:  No:0             Yes:50
Now that you have calculated the scores:
> 2300 : This should be your girl. Until and unless she has a boyfriend or father serving in a military do not leave the opportunity of dating her. She might just be your “ Silver lining Playgirl” , the one you were always looking for!
2299-1500: That’s what I call the grey area. You can probably convert these one’s if you give it your best “shot” or you could go to your nearest specialized surgeon who could fix you up.
< 1500: Dude, this one’s a let go. I don’t see an opportunity for you here, that is unless if you have a pet woodpecker who stays with you in your bang-pad and feeds on your toosh-toosh!